A young man once wished to discover true wisdom

Originally posted Friday, January 30, 2009 at 12:35am

So a young man once wished to discover true wisdom, so he traveled far and wide to many foreign lands before he found a remote monastery where understanding was said to be found. He prostrated himself before the monks and humbly begged to be permitted lodging, that he might study with them and learn from them.
"All right," they said, and accepted him into their society.
Upon his first night in the monastery, he noticed a mysterious wooden door with a strange rumbling noise coming from within. He asked the monks what the noise was.
"You must become a monk to learn the answer to your question," they answered, "but when you do, you will learn the key to the meaning of life."
"All right," he said, and retired to his cloister for the evening. However, he could not sleep a wink because of the noise, and tossed and turned all night contemplating the mystery.
"How can I become a monk?" he asked over breakfast. "I must discover the secret behind the wooden door and learn the key to the meaning of life."
"To open the wooden door, you must read every book in the Western literary canon. Then you shall be one step closer to becoming a monk," they said.
This seemed quite strange to the young man, but the monks gave him a reading list, and he set off at once to complete his task. After three long years, at last he was finished, and returned to the monastery.
It turned out that he had only read the Cliffs Notes for "Silas Marner," but the monks forgave him this small oversight and opened the wooden door. Behind it, there lay a mysterious bronze door.
"To open the bronze door, you must first learn to pray in every language on Earth," they said. 'Then you shall be one step closer to becoming a monk."
This seemed quite demanding to the young man, but he set off at once to complete his task. After twelve long years, at last he was finished, and returned to the monastery.
It turned out that the young man could not remember how to pray in Klingon, but the monks forgave him this small oversight and opened the bronze door. Behind it, there lay a mysterious silver door.
"To open the silver door, you must learn to paint with all the colors of the wind. Then you shall be one step closer to becoming a monk."
The young man was not sure what that even meant, but he set off at once to complete his task. After twenty long years, at last he was finished, and returned to the monastery.
It turned out that he had missed a shade, but the monks forgave him this small oversight and opened the silver door. Behind it, there lay a mysterious golden door.
"To open the golden door, you must first count every blade of grass on Earth. Then you shall be -"
"Yeah, yeah, I know," the young man said. "Let's get on with it."
Counting every blade of grass on Earth seemed mildly implausible to the young man, but he set off at once to complete his task, becoming the world's leading agronomist in the process. After thirty long years, at last he was finished, and returned to the monastery.
It turned out that he was off by five, but the monks forgave him this small oversight and opened the golden door. Behind it, there lay a mysterious diamond window.
"To open the diamond window, you must learn to understand women," the monks said. "Then you may become a monk."
This seemed slightly impossible to the young man, but he set off at once to complete his task. He returned to his hometown and married his high school sweetheart, and then began to travel the world, visiting many an ancient library and scouring forgotten tomes for the wise words of the sages. He completed PhD's in psychology and women's studies and became a world-renowned author of self-help books on relationship advice. After forty long years, at last he was finished, and returned to the monastery.
It turned out that the young man had learned nothing, but the monks did not understand women either, so they forgave him this utter failure and opened the diamond window. Behind it, there lay a not so mysterious cellar door. I should point out that "cellar door" is one of the most beautiful phrases in the English language, and you should try working it into your everyday conversations if you don't believe me. Or visit its wikipedia page.
"To open the cellar door, you must correctly guess what the abbot of the monastery is thinking about. Then you shall be one step closer to becoming a monk," they said.
"That's easy," said the young man. "He's thinking about sex."
It turned out that if he had timed his guess either three seconds earlier or four seconds later, he would have been exactly right, but the abbot of the monastery was actually thinking about cars. The monks forgave the young man this small error and opened the not so mysterious cellar door. Behind it, there lay only a brown paper bag labeled "Key to the Meaning of Life." The bag was all the while emitting a strange rumbling noise, not unlike an empty stomach. It was quite apparent that the bag had not eaten for days.
"There are no more doors or windows," said the monks. "Only one thing is needed before you may become a monk. Once you have taken the vows, the brown paper bag will be opened, revealing the source of the strange rumbling noise mentioned at the beginning of this joke, and with it, the key to the meaning of life."
"What is it?" asked the young man, who was by now a hundred and forty-two, and consequently, a little impatient. "Since my youth I have done all that was asked of me. What is the one thing needed before I can become a monk and learn the key to the meaning of life?"
"You must be a Catholic," said the head abbot.
"Darn it, I'm a Lutheran!" said the young man, and he went home.

And so it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Lutheran to become a monk.